Video Games (yes, I'm boring now).

So, lately I've been playing a lot of games. Video games, computer games, board games, you name it, I probably haven't played it, because this month, I've been playing OLD SKOOL GAMES. This is mainly because I'm sick of the high definition graphics available and complete lack of ANYTHING GOOD, e.g. storyline, game narrative, structure, la la la.

First, I explored the terrifying depths of my brothers drug den bedroom and discovered a few gems. The first of such gems was Red Alert; a brilliant low-graphic, very pixelated RTS where you control an army consisting of whatever it is you choose to create. Being a long-term Soviet fan, I of course picked the Russians as my side. With the aide of Tesla Coils, Tanya, and the A-Bomb, I managed to win my first game against the English in six years. It was a wonderful day. Dan popped over for a short while to watch and eventually join in and I've managed to convert him to the side of the attack hounds. You see, they're awesome. He didn't believe me at first, claiming "what could a useless puppy possibly do to help you in war?" until I sent a single dog into an oncoming group of infantry. The results were incredible, and Dan was very impressed. From that moment on, he has not doubted my belief in the aide of animals in warfare.

So, I eventually tired of Red Alert and rummaged once more in my brother's game cabinet. Here, I came across a not-so-dusty copy of Age of Empires, which I hastily installed and played endlessly for about two weeks. Robert came to visit, and my addiction had not yet lessened and so we decided to LAN it up instead. Super duper.

Fable was next, after Dan incessantly told me he had never seen the brothel in Darkwood. Unfortunately for him, I am completely sick of Fable, having completed it in competition with my brother ('who can finish it in under a day the quickest?') one too many times. So he still hasn't got to see those kinky courtesans. Poor Dan.

Next out, was Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? A historical educational game that I still absolutely adore, but Dan, unfortunately, doesn't share the love (probably because it's actually beneficial to your education). Big shame, because it's awesome.

Nexxxxxxxt was the attempt at Zoombinis: Logical Adventure which Kirsty picked up in Fopp for a singular puund. We haven't managed to play this yet, because no one's operating system is old enough and because it too, is educational, no one wants to create an emulator for it. HOWEVER Dan's wonderful Mac with Dan's wonderful money and therefore Dan's wonderful VMWare (Windows simulator software) we can change the operating system at will! So we just need to try that out.

So while we were waiting, I got bored and tried to play Myst - a fantastic puzzle game where you're trapped on an island you read about in a book and you have to choose which son is evil and look in their bedrooms (one has a torture chamber) and which is good and collect the pages for their book for each so you can free them from their prison. Breathe. Unfortunatelyyyyyy this didn't work either, as my computer is nice and new and good at stuff and Myst is old and annoying. So I managed to download a new new new version for my Mac (in 3D :D) and get that working. But it won't save. I don't understand, I think I need help and I'm so annoyed but it is such a creepy and amazing game. I think I might just buy the damn thing.

NEXT UP was Roller Coaster Tycoon; a game from my very, very, very early childhood and with it many fond memories, such as the infamous 'Misty Mountain' roller coaster which had perfect ratings until it crashed and killed 30 people. That was unfortunate. So, anyway, I got it back (the game, not Misty Mountain, no matter how hard I try to recreate it, it is gone forever) and have been playing obsessively for about a week until I started failing levels and not reaching objectives and killing guests for fun. Especially angry guests who decrease my park rating (by drowning customers who are unhappy, this does actually bring your park rating up, however, I doubt Alton Towers' methods are quite so unorthodox). I eventually got annoyed at the lack of upgrades and 'no entry' signs and music available of your roller coaster that I decided to also download Loopy Landscapes and with it, Added Attractions, and with that, 'no entry' signs and music for your roller coasters. YEAH.

So, that's installing right about now, and so ends my blog about games. I must now cook pasta with my brother.

Wait, no it doesn't - Donkey Konga and Dungeons and Dragons coming soon!

Like... now!

So Dan's given me his GameCube and while Robert and Kirsty were here, we decided to play a game we'd all be equally good at - Donkey Conga. As none of us had had any previous experience on said game, true talent quickly shone through - mine. I've since become addicted and after Dan also gave me the Konga drums, I've learnt to love the controller method more than the bloody bongos. Useless things, which hurt my hands. Dan's good at them though, and discovered that if you scream, it has the same effect as clapping, which was fun for a while.

In further Joanna's gaming news, we played A LOT of Dungeons and Dragons. We've managed to create a few ongoing jokes and story lines too, which has been amusing to integrate in newer games with different people who don't get the joke, or who haven't met the character before. One of these characters is the Angry Farmer. He appeared in our first game, and has been a run-on terrorist since. Basically, he was situated in a farm (surprise, surprise) on a map with a river running through it. The farm was situated directly south from the river, so when Kirsty attempted to calm the temper of the Angry Farmer (by telling him there whereabouts of his son) she told him directions that were far too vague. She told him his son was north and if he headed in that direction, he should cross him sooner or later. Unfortunately, the bull-headed farmer took her words too literally and fell into the river, which carried him downstream and into a lake, further enraging him. From this moment on, he unfortunately became utterly obsessed with tracking her down and killing her.
Another interesting character was the Man who Smelt Suspiciously of Mushrooms. He lives in a house North of the river and whomever asked him for help or advice was suddenly repelled by his scent, fell into the river and was carried away downstream. Where the farmer was occasionally waiting.
In later games, we introduced celebrities such as Ben Stiller, Tom Cruise and Jade Goody's uterus tumor (obviously, the latter was required to solve a quest in which you must appease a giant salami). If you went into a certain house, a man would accuse you of political incorrectness and kick you onto a bridge. As you came soaring downward you would see two simian beings and be given the option to say one of the following:
1. Hey Monkey, Monkey.
2. Hey Monkey, Ben Stiller.
3. Hey Monkey, Asshole.
The catch here was that if you said any of these, you would enrage Ben Stiller, the simian looking-actor.
1. Hey Monkey, Monkey.
- You've called Ben Stiller a monkey! He is now enraged and wants to fight you!
2. Hey Monkey, Ben Stiller.
- You've got it the wrong way round! You've called the monkey Ben Stiller and Ben Stiller a monkey! He is now enraged and wants to fight you!
3. Hey Monkey, Asshole.
You've called Ben Stiller an asshole! This has clearly enraged him to the point of battle!

So as you can see, there is no way out. Every time you saw the man in the house or crossed the bridge, you would be faced with the same pointless puzzle, which would end in a fight the player would inevitably win, as Ben Stiller throws a weak ass punch. Every time you beat him in battle, you would gain his accompanying monkey, which, due to the lack of abundance of monkeys in this day and age, grew increasingly shit. I.e. to the point where players would be carrying a blind paraplegic monkey, a dead monkey, a monkey skeleton and several bloodied stumps. Of course, there was one way around this conundrum and that was choice 4. Ice Cream Factory. However, at the very end of the game, when the players finally figured this out, they were rewarded with another rotting monkey corpse. Yeahhhh.

As a further game, we decided to use this idea as the main quest, only slightly different. The players started in a forest clearing where they'd find a sobbing Ben Stiller. It turns out all his monkeys were stolen off him by cruel and vicious travelers in a previous game. It became their quest to find them all again. Oh, how wonderfully pointless.

Rik Waller provided much entertainment, as the quest suggested that only a pork scratching made from Rik Waller would fulfill the salami. In order to achieve this almost impossible goal, players had to throw insults, pebbles and rude notes from naked men at him, until his depression triggered rash grew so bad, he turned into a pork scratching. Case solved.

Anyway, enough about that game I love so much, this post has been far too long. I'm just trying to make up for the fact that I haven't written a proper blog in agessssssss due to issues in my head.


G'night, y'all!